Month Of Silence

This is over

2008-06-05T12:57:00.003-04:00

So upon a little introspection, Im killing this blog. I started a new one without the connotations of my month of silence. Ill leave this one up for reference though.

http://www.patronoflostcauses.blogspot.com

Umm... Ahem

2008-06-04T12:54:00.002-04:00

Today, perusing my usual blogs, I came across this one which I have to quote. Its from a top ten list of questions you shouldn't ask Democrats.

Number 1:

1) “Why Do You Hate America?”

Ooh, not a good choice.

Let’s see: This is coming from a party that masterminded agendas that put countless tens of thousands (by now probably over 100,000) of innocent Americans on terrorist No-Fly Watch lists where they’re not even given the basic right to know why they were placed on such a list; A USA PATRIOT Act that reserves the right to audit our private reading material; A Military Tribunal Act in which the president reserves the right to seize and detain any dissident American citizen that he deems a national security threat; Warrantless wiretapping of our phones, opening of our snail mail, data-mining our financial records; NSL’s, or National Security Letters, that give the FBI unprecedented latitude in asking for business records for Internet Service Providers and lenders, among many others, without our knowledge or consent and for the flimsiest of reasons.

The disappearance of a major American city and 1800 dead while our leader ate cake with the guy who seeks to replace him; Largely unprotected ports due to budget cuts; National ID cards that law enforcement officials can ask for at the drop of a hat; Shotgunning Border Patrol agents working on behalf of Homeland Security; Shunning of veterans during and after their service to their country in countless ways.

The list goes on and on.

So, you want to know why we hate America so much because we ask for transparency and accountability that could help all Americans?

How fucking dare you?

From: Pottersville

Dear Senator Obama

2008-06-03T18:51:00.002-04:00

Dear Senator Obama,
As a supporter, and a person strongly in favor of getting rid of the Republican Party's stranglehold on the White House, I would like to encourage you to choose Senator Evan Bayh as your Vice President.

Senator Bayh, as you may know, is a supporter of Hilary Clinton and actively campaigned for her in Indiana (where, as I am sure you remember, she won). Though this may be counterintuitive to some to choose a running mate that was against you at one point, I assure you it makes complete sense.

You see, as it stands most supporters of you or Mrs. Clinton have decided to be totally polarized in this, so far as to even say that they would rather vote for Mr. McCain instead of the person they dont support. Personally, I look at this as possibly the stupidest thing I have heard in a very long time (at least as long as I have heard one of those speeches by President Bush that get replayed for their comedic effect). Choosing Senator Bayh as your running mate you would combine the efforts of both sides of the Democratic Party without compromising yourself in a way that choosing Mrs. Clinton would.

Please consider this, Senator, as a due repercussion for the last three to four months of political pandering that has torn the Democratic party in half and has been, in my opinion, political suicide for all parties involved. I am deeply bothered that Senator McCain will be elected due simply to the fact that he has been scarcely mentioned in the last few months while the two of you have bickered and argued and torn each other to shreds.

Thank you for your time
Mike Wert

P.S... If you do get elected please don't let us down, you can talk and talk about Hope but it wont mean a thing if you never give us anything to hope for.

Im back

2008-06-03T17:19:00.002-04:00

Hey there, so nice to see you again. I know I missed you, but something tells me none of you missed me, or at least this blog.

Almost 3 months later I got my laptop back, well, a laptop back. Its a different one. Apparently they stopped making parts for mine so they just sent me a newer one. I cant lie, its nice.

Coming up: Video Blogs? Possibly... depends on how my webcam works and if I can articulate my thoughts that well. You wanna see it? Tell me.
-I've been thinking a lot about a number of things and if I can ever get all of the thoughts organized (which should be much easier now that I have a venue again) I will be posting a lot of stuff thats been on my mind. Look foreward to it all... none of you... that read this!

Peace
Love
Joy
Mike

Borrowing my life

2008-04-09T23:04:00.002-04:00

Im writing this on a borrowed laptop.

I've been trying to find classes to schedual for next semester and I've hit a nice brick wall. What, help me here, am I going to do with my life?

Art... thatd be great but it seems so pointless because I just dont know what to do with it, even if I do like to do it
Youth Min... I just dont feel called to it anymore
Social Work... I dunno

I just want to help people and love people. Theres no major program for that.

What do I do?

PS... I have like 14 hours to figure it all out.

When all I want to do is make dreams come true I find myself unsure of what my dreams are.

See ya!

2008-04-04T12:56:00.001-04:00

Shipping off the laptop today.

See you guys when it gets back in (supposedly) 4-7 days.

Love love love

Dorm Farming

2008-04-03T18:48:00.004-04:00

My roommate and I bought a bunch of flowers to plant a couple weeks ago. Most of these are probably going to get given away once they get to good potting sizes.

Sunflowers:

Marigolds:

Im pretty excited about these... there are some others, but they'll just have to wait to get a good pic.

The view out my window

2008-04-03T13:36:00.002-04:00

Today looks hopeful. I enjoy sitting on my couch/ bed looking out at the clouds pass by and the tree across the street. If I am laying down it looks like a nicely framed photo. Perfect composition with the tree branches taking up about half of the picture plane with the blue sky and whispy clouds providing a nice background. I want to recreate art like that... With perfect composition, fluid curves, true colors, emotion, expression, feelings. I want to make beautiful things.

Eh...

2008-03-31T16:44:00.002-04:00

Im in a better mood today. Everything will, indeed, be alright and knowing that is pretty rad.

My Flickr needs some love :) Note: If you go to IWU it may or may not be blocked. Who knows, it changes so much.

I thought everything was going so well

2008-03-30T18:09:00.002-04:00

Thats the problem I suppose. Right when things start to look up again is when it goes back down to keep me humble.

Apparently, and this is just hearsay, everything I believe in and care about is an act. I pretend to care about my mother, and I pretend to love people, and I pretend to have compassion. My heart pretends to weep over lost souls and hungry kids. My feet pretend to get blisters so that I can pretend to want improvement in peoples lives and I can impress someone. Everything I stand for is some massive facade I have created and use only when trying to make someone see a side of me that they will like. It all just disapears when I get what I want. Or maybe it pretends to.

My motives pretend to be the problem. When I pretend to care about people my motive is to, apparently, get someone to love me. Man, I wish Id known that, I could have prevented a lot of bad things in my life. I could have just stopped pretending and given up and let it all go.

Or at least, thats what I am supposed to do now. Im supposed to choose between friends, even though its not my choice at all. Im supposed to choose between lives and decide who I really am even though I never noticed that there is more than one of me here.

Screw that. You dont like who I am? Fine. You dont like what you see? Maybe I'm not the only person that is wrong in this situation. Maybe I am. Either way, we'll both be better off without me in it because then you wont have to run the risk of feeling compassionate for me. Or were you just pretending?

Its too late to apologize

2008-03-27T02:35:00.001-04:00

That song is fantastic isn't it? The remix that is, not the original. You gotta have Timbaland in there with his background noises...

Is it too late to apologize? When I get depressed I go on apologizing streaks where Ill call someone or message someone apologizing for something months before. It doesn't make me feel any better. In fact, typically, I feel worse because I remember why I have to apologize and what I did to hurt that person.

I hate hurting people.
I've hurt a lot though.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me, for I cannot forgive myself.

Without Love

2008-03-25T12:03:00.002-04:00

This week is going to be hard for me, I can see it. The reality that the next time I am home may be the last is dawning on me a little each day. It is a bittersweet melody for me because I know the house is nothing but an expensive fire pit. It needs love, and love I cannot give to it. Im coming to grips with the idea of moving again (this will be number... 15? something obscene like that) and the idea that my mom will lose the first house she ever owned. After its gone there wont be much hope that she will own a place again. Bad choices, bad luck, bad management, whatever, shes totally screwed. The worst part... there isnt a thing I could do.

I fix cars, its like a hobby/dream/necessity for me to be mechanical in nature because if something breaks my family calls me. I love it. The idea that something in their lives cant be fixed is daunting to me. I cant just turn a wrench, replace a valve, or change the oil on a money situation any more than I could have made mom's arm heal faster. So I am left here, asking questions, trying to find answers, coming to grips with losing another cornerstone just as it had firmly set itself up in my family and head. I know where my priorities lay, and that is somewhere west of here with people to love and dreams to fulfill, but I cant just abandon my family.

Dan will leave after this. He will go to Vancouver or Bloomington. I cant ask him to stay, not after everything that has happened. I cant dream of visiting him, not with mom here. Goodbye brother. Goodbye dreams of a real life with you. I love you.

Goodbye house that has brought me so many tears, scars, minor flesh wounds, candle powered nights, cold showers, leaky roofs, a place to sleep, and so many shattered dreams. Goodbye walls covered in writing and the holes we all made when we got upset or someone got drunk. Goodbye shed, where the soul of Rob will forever be remembered. Goodbye Whippy, you were a good house ghost. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Maybe someone will write a book about that place and the things that happened there. I know they will touch someones life. I just wish it could have touched more.

The indifference of good men

2008-03-24T20:46:00.002-04:00

The Boondock Saints is possibly one of my favorite movies of all time. Its the story of two Irish brothers who find it in themselves to go and fight evil by taking it out of the picture. Its an interesting view of justice but thats not why I love it so much. In the beginning of the movie they are in Mass and the last line the Priest has as they are leaving is this:

"We must always fear the wicked. But there is another kind of evil that we must fear the most, and that is the indifference of good men."

It strikes me, it moves me, it makes me want to do something. I know this indifference he speaks of, for I have seen it in my heart. The part of me that wakes up, goes to class (sometimes), gets on with its life without a care for anything else. Its the part that holds back the rest of me. While my heart fights onward towards holiness and peace, this part ties me down to my apathy and laziness.

This is the part of me that I want to take out back and shoot. Twice. Maybe three times, just for the assurance that it is, indeed, dead.

No I will not fear evil, nor will I kill it, for I am not God to be judging those that also do wrong. Instead I will strive onward trying to make this world a little better while I can.

Instead of bullets I will sow seeds, instead of death I will sow love wherever possible. That might save me from the truest evil from the indifference of a good man. Something I long to be.

On my mind

2008-03-24T17:46:00.002-04:00

I've got a lot of stuff on my mind but there just isnt time to blog it all yet. 5-7 page paper due tomorrow, thinking a lot, trying to get stuff done...

Just wait, ill get my thoughts gathered and there might be something good here soon.

So it goes

2008-03-23T18:06:00.002-04:00

Today I spoke.
Im sorry to say that my attempt to be silent for a month is probably cut short here. My mother, a few weeks out of surgery and unable to work has asked me for help and help I must. We, unfortunately, are probably about to lose the place I have called home for the last 3-4 years. Its a bittersweet loss because I love the place but it really is time to see it go.
There were memories in that house that cannot be undone. Dreams that were made, crushed, rethought, and crushed again. It was utopia for us in our bohemian dreams but it could not sustain that forever.
I am going to go find a place to live, hopefully, and it might be in Marion so that'd be nice.
To make up for the silence fast I am going to instead fast my self of apathy and carelessness. I am going to be spending the remaining three weeks, and probably the rest of my life, working on being a much nicer person while trying to find and fill any needs my abilities will allow. I know that this isnt a great answer to the problem and I should have already been doing it but I think the focus will at least help me.

I love you guys and some prayer would be much appreciated in our time of need. I hope to one day regain some of the things that we had at our house and until I do I know I have a lot to work on.

love
Mike

To the rest of my family

2008-03-22T01:48:00.004-04:00

I was gonna post about the BBOC and how its a great plan for poor people but I shifted gears earlier and I'm in no mood to really talk about something thats so unimportant or whatever.

Instead, I wrote this a couple of days ago (yesterday? I just don't know, everything has kind of smashed together in my brain) and I have since reworked it a little because of how sad it made me originally. Here goes.

Mom, you were always there. I know I walked away like three times but in the end I always knew you were there. Recently I've been so scared cause I keep getting closer to losing you. I know you have flaws and that you drive me nuts sometimes but you did your best all the time. You taught me what it was to have my heart weep over things in the world. You taught me what it was to have ideals and dreams, even when they weren't really possible. You taught me what it was to love your family no matter how stupid they are. You taught me some crazy things too. I
would have never learned how to constructively lie when necessary if you hadn't shown me that. Mom, why cant you just settle down? You are working yourself to death for a house and two kids who are past the age (or structural reliability) of needing you to do it anymore. Burn the place to the ground, sell what you can, buy a new car and move in with Dennis. Take care of the dog, plant a garden, set up your loom in the garage and cook a lot. Make it so that if I ever have kids you'll have enough time off work to show them the fun games to play like you did me. Remember rummy on your bed? Remember that stupid old Windows 3.1 computer that we had? Remember Bloomington? Remember your life before you had so many bills? I want that back for you. I want to support you but I never will be able to. I ran away, Dans run away and come back 5 times and wont ever make it past Hamilton County. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to deal with all of our crap so often. You shouldn't have to pay for all my medical bills when my life
stresses me out to the point of insanity. A kid in jail? Twenty silly kids living in your house? Drugs, alcohol, suicide, theft, bombs, holes in the walls. All you wanted for us was as close to normal of a life as you could give with some compassion mixed in. We got the compassion, got cynical and cold, then turned the house into a circus. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ran when I should have stayed and worked on it. You said once I was born to be a mechanic, so why cant I fix all the stuff in our lives? I guess it just kills me to watch you kill yourself like that. I love you mom. The day you are gone is the day part of me is gone too. In the interest of saving me and the world a little bit of sanity, could you please just never ever die? That would be great, thanks.

Dan. Jesus, where do I start? You think I hated you as a kid? I never knew you. I couldn't hate an idea. Ive never been capable of true hate. I never learned what you learned. You are cold and sad, no matter what you say I can see it in your eyes. You have had so many dreams squashed. You've been so close to utopia while being farthest away because you saw the futility of it. You knew when all of those people lived at the house that it wouldn't/ couldn't last. You knew but you
went ahead and fought on for the dream of a little piece of Heaven here. You don't really believe in Heaven though do you? Opiate for the masses right? Yeah, I know, and I'm the only Christian you know to talk to ever and I'm not a great example of loving people. I'm sorry for all the lies and backstabbing. I didn't know what else to do. I always dreamed when you were gone about having someone to hang out with. I never expected it would end up like it has. Eighteen years. Eighteen years I wasted of our relationship worrying about stupid stuff and being jealous and prideful and greedy. I'm the good kid right? No. We are both stupid and crazy in our own ways. You know I've always known you are smarter than me. Much smarter. You and mom make me feel so dumb sometimes with all your knowledge and power, however it is. You have so much talent. It breaks my heart to watch you when I'm home while you sit around and get too high to remember where your cell phone is or too drunk to remember your name. You're invincible right? I hope mortality never catches up with you. Mom would never recover from it. I would never recover from it. I love you big brother, more than you could possibly imagine. If you knew the nights I've laid in bed crying over all the times I've done something else to cut myself
off from you. If you only could understand. I hope fortune favors you someday so that you can support mom and let her just get some rest. Maybe then she could be happy. I know thats all you really want. Don't run like I do anymore Dan, stand and fight. You have always been
stronger than I. Fight the bastards. Fight life. You can do it where I cannot.

Dad, I cant even begin to tell you that I start off each day trying to
forgive you and end up in the same position at night, tossing and
turning in my sleep fighting ghosts of my past off. You don't understand, of course, you did no wrong right? Yeah, you can fool your parents, you can fool the courts, but you can't fool someone who was there. I remember Dad. I remember it all. That's all I really have to say to you.

Well then

2008-03-21T17:01:00.002-04:00

I've officially made it something lie two whole days now and I have just noticed that being silent is natural for me now. Its coming down to having to decide if what I want to say is important enough to spend 20 minutes "saying" it or not (usually, it's not) and then thinking about saying it in a way thats not... painful. I've read two books and almost finished a third, I've worked on my laptop, I've done pretty much everything I can do to waste time without actually doing homework. My mind hurts from the sheer attempt.

Later: The Big Box of Chicken- a modern day highway robbery

Kinda Sad

2008-03-20T20:11:00.002-04:00

People are getting tired of trying to communicate with me. I cant say I blame them. My only question is why are so many people against this? Why cant they just let me be me and try something? It doesn't make sense that they should be up in arms against it when the only problem it presents to them is the inability to talk to me directly or hear my horrible singing voice.

It's an inconvenience, I know, but until you are in my shoes losing your mind because most of your friends cant understand a thing you say you should probably not be so against it.

Just saying.

Contemplating existence

2008-03-19T23:25:00.002-04:00

Third post today, yes I know. I only have so many ways to express myself though and this happens to be one that comes pretty easily to me.

My heart is broken tonight by a lot of painful things in the world. My mother taught me how to love and I took it too far in my idealism and compassion for people who I can do nothing at all for. Burma/Myanmar, Darfur, Tibet, parts of Africa, and all the suffering people here. You are probably hurting right now too. My heart is just broken in half tonight. I want to, no, long to help you and every soul that is broken right now. Please God let me help as many people as possible in whats left of my life.

I love you all, especially those of you who are feeling this with me tonight or whenever. Find some peace tonight in our mutual sadness. You are never alone.

...

2008-03-19T18:43:00.002-04:00

Just broke my silence for the first time today to talk to my dad. I shouldnt write about people anymore.

My brother-in-law's father just passed away. The little girl who I love will grow up for the rest of her life without one influence that we all come to expect and grow from. My grandfather taught me everything I know about life. He taught me how to cook, clean, build things, think creatively, take care of my garden, everything I base my most favorite childhood memories around. She wont have that.

Sister, Brother, baby girl, you know I love you. I hope you know at least, I know I'm not so good at showing it to people very often and these are just silly words. Please know that if I were to die today I would always want you to smile when you think of me.

Mourning. I want this month to be the start of a new life for me. One where people wont want to mourn my death anymore. One where they will instead smile and carry on traditions of just loving people where I wont any longer be able to.

Love
Mike

I know this girl

2008-03-19T17:46:00.004-04:00

I know this girl that I wish you could all meet. Her name is Kristy and she is my sister (more or less, whats DNA really mean anyways?) and she is beautiful and smart like any good woman should be. She has a daughter the likes of which people around the world wish they could achieve. You see, Kristy was/is a born mother and she has raised this daughter of hers quite well.

Little Natalie. She is (I think) about 2 now. She is beautiful. More beautiful than other child I have ever held in my arms. She is smart in a way that lets me know that she will be smarter than I (just kidding, she already is, I think its genetic).

You see, I love Natalie. I love Kristy too. We had a lot of hard moments as I grew up this baby forcing my way into her life and messing up a lot of stuff that she shouldnt have had to deal with. In turn she was there for me whenever I needed it and always let me know that she loved me no matter what or who I was. We fought a lot then. Now I dont see her much, and consequently dont see Natalie much either. I know they are just a short drive away but it's never been my place to drive out there and just hang out.

The point of all this is that I am blessed. Blessed with the chance to influence this baby girl into being a better person than I am and have been. Blessed to have a sister who cares enough about everyone she meets to raise such a beautiful and smart daughter. Blessed to have what broken and insane family I do have, even when I have to fight to remind myself how wonderful every single one of them are. Natalie with have a good life with many beautiful things and I just want to live to be the guy who makes sure she always knows that God and her Uncle Mike is on her side in everything. Everything.

Heres to you Natalie, and Kristy too. If I never have kids of my own to influence and watch smile and grow may there be some of me passed on in you. My heart weeps with your heart and my eyes smile with your eyes until the day I die. And lest I forget, if any little boy ever makes you cry you know who to call.

Ohh, and PS, if you ever really want a corvette or something I think I can work it out, all you gotta do is ask really nice like.

Love

Food... for thought

2008-03-19T13:38:00.002-04:00

Yeah, the title was a pun and well intended. Today I have come to the realization that we, as human beings, are really radically screwing ourselves over in the realm of food production. As we urbanize what used to be farm land (my fathers house sits on what used to be a lovely corn field) and with the advent of biodiesels and alternative fuels that use up food sources to produce them, we have drastically hurt our food production. Of course, we arent going to notice it, we're Americans, and most Americans don't go hungry.

This idea, our American dream, has really ruined us. I know my back yard could probably grow enough food to support my family on everything but meat and we could take care of that with the money saved on produce. Im an average middle class American guy, and I assume most of you who might actually read this will be in about the same area as me I think there is something we can do about this problem. Anything to offset the problem would help. If you can, garden. Its cheap, pretty easy, a nice stress reliever, and hey, who doesn't want free food? You ever had a home grown tomato or corn? Its delicious.

If you want more info, let me know. Heck, I would come help you plant a nice little garden with herbs and some stuff for cooking then give you a recipe to cook it all up into something delicious. We can make a difference in this world and if everyone does something small together we can make this a truly different place for our children.

Later... a tribute to my sister and the most beautiful little niece anyone could ever ask for, ever.

Interesting

2008-03-18T20:38:00.002-04:00

I spoke a few times again today, but its all about progress I suppose.

Quote of the day from my dear roommate Skippy
"You are much nicer to me when you are quiet. You should be quiet all the time."

Thanks

For reference, I would totally be quiet all the time if I thought it would progress the world into a bit of a better place and I could figure out how to do it all the time without literally losing my mind. Till then, a month of me being nicer should at least change who I am as a human, we'll see wont we? Lovely.

By the way, I moved back a few years. I listened to all my music today that I remember singing when I was a kid, now I'm listening to The Doors and I'm feelin some Pink Floyd next just to make tonight nice and existential.

Love all (well... most... lol) of you

My love affair with the 90's

2008-03-18T12:16:00.001-04:00

Today has just been strange for me. The desire to speak is, at times, a tad overwhelming, but I'm working on communicating with people in new ways or old ways redefined. Its beautiful really how we can evolve as people and collectivley figure out ways to express opinions. On that note, I plan on painting some today to blow off some steam. Im feeling something random and not at all scripted, and also probably painted over something I've previously done because Im tired of looking at pale comparisons to others peoples art. I have this desperate need to do something... New.

And my love affair with the 90's is about the music thats been stuck in my head and is now playing on my computer for what I'm sure will seem like an eternity. Anyone remember the Wallflowers? Sublime? Rancid? Its all really beautiful stuff. Why cant life just be the 90's again?

Communication Breakdown

2008-03-17T19:44:00.002-04:00

Its been like 19 hours (or 20ish) and Ive broken like 4 times accidentally. Its like losing my hand or something because I still instinctively want to respond to things and, at times, do. Ill work on that. My new goal: A whole day where I don't say a word. Good luck right?

I feel like a foreigner in some ways. My best friends get some of what I am saying, inside jokes and the like, quickly, but those poor people who do not know me and my mannerisms look at me like I'm stupid. I can't tell if it's really working or not, this silence thing, and all I want to really do is sing.

I want to walk along the sidewalks singing of rain and sunshine and beauty in ugly things to offset the whole of beautiful creation. What is the sun without the rain to make my day balanced? What is this month of silence really worth after almost 20 years of speech. Thoreau was right, in a number of ways, when he was at Walden alone and silent and passive. It offset a lot of his life. He hurt no one. I want to do more. I want to reverse the process and help. Not passive but progressive.

And its only the first day.

Sunrises

2008-03-17T07:51:00.002-04:00

As I walked out of my dorm this morning towards the Old College Church building I stopped for a moment and turned around. Behind me was possibly the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen.

Take some time
find the beauty in every day.
Its there.

And I think Ill try to find my camera tonight and some batteries so I can snap pictures of stuff I notice because some things are not sufficiently described with my limited vocabulary.

Here Goes

2008-03-17T00:00:00.000-04:00

A month of silence for me, for the poor, the disenfranchised. It all starts tonight.

Love